WHY ME?

When we as individuals go through a difficult time, the first thing we ask ourselves is: 

 WHY ME? The only reasoning for this is that we are human.

Have you ever stopped and asked yourself why not me? 

I have.

Adoption. Wow what an unacknowledged word, the definition according to Google: “To take on the legal responsibilities as a parent.”

My definition of adoption: Individuals opening up their hearts to a precious little soul named me, and loving me unconditionally. 

Have you ever thought about the following; maybe you don’t have to give someone life to realize that life gave you them as a gift?

And in the days where I’m not sure about what I feel, what my dreams are, or where I belong, I just stare into my Mother and Fathers eyes and smile at the realization that. I might not have their eye color, the straightness of their hair, the dimples on their cheeks but I know that I’ve stolen their hearts. And they have stolen mine! I know that there has not been one single moment in my life that I needed to be reassured of their love for me.

My heart mommy, my adoptive parent, had already been caring for us during the day. At that stage, she and her husband were having trouble conceiving. Till this day I can’t thank her enough for saving my life, she met us the first time in a bottle store where my tummy mommy worked, my birth parent, she was unable to care for us. She made the hardest decision any parent would have to make. Loving someone so much, knowing that little person is a huge part of you but you needed to give her away.

It must have destroyed her. I know I would never be able to be so strong, and brave.

But she loved me… Enough to let me go. Because she knew I’d have a better life, a better upbringing and a brighter future with my new parents.

We were adopted at a mere 6 weeks old. 

I had my tummy mommy showing up for birthdays and special events, she openly shared with me, all those special moments, but hurt as she would be missing all the in between. On the other hand, I had my heart mommy. She managed the long nights, the first steps, and the blessing of hearing me call her mommy. 

Something so small to others, but to her, it meant the world. She loved me with all her heart. And I knew it. 

God had a different plan laid out for me.

My heart mommy had her own little miracle. A new bundle of joy had entered her life, was there a difference in carrying your own child to term, having heard their heartbeat match yours?

The answer is yes.

But was I loved any less for being adopted? Most absolutely NOT.

My heart mommy made a very difficult decision. She removed herself from the HURT & BITTERNESS of her young marriage. We moved in with my grandparents, two amazing people with more love in their hearts anyone could ever imagine. They had enough love to plaster back together all the lost dreams. My heart mommy was not happy but content, her heart kept on searching for her happily ever after. Don’t we all? Unfortunately her happily ever after came at a terrible expense, I was adopted again, Age 12. More confused I’ve never been in my life, I made the choice and I asked my grandparents to become my parents and they started the process. It was not because I didn’t love my heart mommy; it was because I didn’t want to move. I had just found out whom my tummy mommy was and that I knew her all my life.

I was angry at the world, it felt unfair… My parents saved my heart; they worked real hard every single day to make me understand. They told me every story they knew about my birth mother. I clearly didn’t understand why she’d just give me up –didn’t she love me enough to keep me? All I wanted to do was give her a piece of my mind! 

As months followed, my parents, the amazing people they are, did everything in their power to try and find her. They moved mountains for me.

She was missing, no word, and no contact. 

Gradually I made the decision to let her go. I had a new mommy now. She has loved me unconditionally till this day. I have been so blessed to have them in my life. Not once have I felt that they have loved me less than their biological children. I might not have been in her tummy, heard her heartbeat, but we have never needed that. She’s wiped away my tears, supported me when I needed her the most. She has been there every step of the way. 

I’ve met my tummy mommy again, she is a friend now. I at the age of 27 understand, why. I understand why she let me go. 

She loved me enough to give me a better life. A life, a family that was perfectly created for me.

Nothing ever happens to us by chance. But it is how we react to our circumstances, that makes the difference.

I could have had a whole different life; I struggled with loving myself and allowing me to be loved in return. Because why would someone? The feeling of being unwanted can create daily struggles. I had two choices. Be bitter and angry? Or go out there love like there is no tomorrow, Smile like I needed laughter for air, care for the people in my life, sometimes too much, that I can admit. But I am loved. And I am special. 

I believe in life we do things some we wish we had never done. Some we wish we could replay a million times in our hearts and heads. But it’s those moments, no matter how big or small, that make us who we are. I know that my tummy mommy whishes she had made a different choice. But I don’t.

In the end we are shaped into exactly who we suppose to be. If we would change any part of that, we wouldn’t be who we are. The most important thing is to never second guess who you are, and where you are from. Trust in your future. I did.