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Confessions from the Heart - written by iram





There is a long-standing relationship I have been involved in for many, many years. It is a necessary connection, but it has never been normal or healthy... As ridiculous as it sounds, I am talking about my dysfunctional relationship with food. 


My emotions and sometimes, lack of emotions, have always been directly connected to my eating habits. I have often envied people being able to eat a whole plate of food without a second thought or guilty feeling. At certain stages during my teenage years it became so bad, that I wasn’t able to really eat until I was full in front of anybody. I would eat very small portions and “top-up” later when I was alone. I always imagined people thinking….REALLY? Should you really be eating that in your condition? That’s what I imagined people said because, honestly, that is what I was thinking to myself.


Around ages 17 to 18 I just wanted to be in control and in my distorted mind, vomiting after meals and excessive exercise seemed the best way to do this, and for the first time in my short life I reached my goal weight. Everybody was so impressed with my fantastic self-control and I was complimented on how wonderful I looked, but really, for me, nothing had changed. I just had “a big girl’s brain in a smaller frame” For the few that know me; you know that I am gifted in keeping my “mask” in place. So for all intents and purposes, I was a wonderfully happy teenage girl who had taken control of her life until a friend of mine caught me “taking control” of matters after meals, and I felt very ashamed. A year or so following that I struggled with many things and made some very bad decisions, and hindsight being the wonderful thing that it is, I see now that I was just replacing one bad habit for other bad habits. 


Why am I confessing this? I wish I could tell you that this story has a happier ending, but I can’t, not yet anyway. I am not telling you this story because I have it all figured out and I am skipping off into the sunset… 

Although I don’t vomit after meals anymore, I am not skinny in any way and I still can’t eat without feeling guilty… BUT… I have, however, given my heart to God and I am consciously allowing Him to change the way I see myself. I have been diagnosed with PCOS and I am lactose and wheat intolerant (the irony is not lost on me) and although I don’t love all of myself yet, I am able to love parts of myself. And God gave me the most amazing husband that just loves ALL the parts of me, even the ones I don't.


I share this because God wants you to know that there is always hope. 

 To believe in Jesus, is to live in hope. 



with love, 
iram


*iram is an arabic name meaning heaven





Opmerkings

Gewilde plasings van hierdie blog

THE ROAR

Dis lanklaas wat 'n fliek my so opgewonde gehad het dat ek my man wil afvlieg om die uitsending in George te gaan kyk. Die fliek waarvan ek praat is THE ROAR, 'n Frans Cronjé film, wat ek onlangs in Pretoria met die vertoning daar gaan kyk het vir resensie doeleindes. Die film stem so wonderlik ooreen met Nasie se leuse en hartklop...
Die hele fliek gaan daaroor om uit te vind wat jou lewensdoel is, dit raak te sien en om dit te bereik. Spreker, Gustav Gous was ook daar gewees. Hy praat gereeld oor lewensdoel en sy insprake was vir my baie spesiaal gewees. Hy het gesê mense dink hulle het net een doel, maar ons het eintlik ten minste 9 doele wat God vir ons elkeen uniek gemaak/gegee het. Dit was vir my 'n baie lekker ervaring en veral om te sien hoe opgewonde Frans Cronjé is oor hierdie film!
The Roar vorm deel van 3 verskillende films onder die Purpose Campaign. 6 Below wys reeds by lokette, The Roar en Victor is die ander twee en word die 2de Maart en die 13de April bekend…

The Roar and I

As I sat down in front of my computer to write what is burning in my heart, with that loathsome cape of self-doubt hanging around my shoulders – what makes me think that I’m worthy of sharing my views with the world? – a randomly generated Windows Spotlight Image greets me. Yes, as you can see a mighty lion relaxing in the sun, face into the wind. Powerful and content. I couldn’t help but chuckle and you will soon see why.

The recently released film, The Roar, tells a powerful tale of Louise (Almarie du Preez), a young woman who has to make some important decisions about her future. Not only her future, her destiny. The viewers follow her journey of discovery in the setting of the bushveld family farm and lodge ran by her father, Ranger (Frans Cronjé), who struggles with finding his footing in life after the passing of his wife. Not to forget her fiancé, André (Heinz Winkler), who is not only a pillar of strength to Louise, but her comrade in the day-to-day running of the business as …

Die klippie in my skoen - geskryf deur iskra

Wat 'n knaende verraad! Daardie klippie in die skoen. Daardie ding wat krap en pla en mens soms verleë laat. Dis 'n pes as jy dalk jaag van hier na daar, soveel dinge wat aan jou trek; jou aandag vat; daar is nie tyd nie! Vir jou om net te kan sit, skoen uittrek en die verdomde ding uitgooi! Pfffeeeu...! Wat 'n verligting as hy eers weg is!

So klein dingetjie met soveel praat in sy kneuse...daardie klippie in die skoen.
(Talk about rubbing me up the wrong way!)

Ons het almal maar ons klippies. Klein goedjies wat haak en pla. Daagliks knaag dit aan ons..maal dit rond in ons koppe, laatnag, wannneer ons eintlik moet slaap...

Ons veiligheid.
Ons kinders se toekoms, gesondheid. Hoe gaan jy hierdie maand daardie rekening betaal?
Jou huwelik of 'n vriendskap is dalk op 'n snaakse plek of selfs naby skipbreek?

Dalk ons eie gesondheid wat 'n lelike rapport gekry het... 'n finale een...wat jou asem weggeruk het...wat jou, die mense om jou, dae en minute met 'n ander o…