There is a long-standing relationship I have been involved in for many, many years. It is a necessary connection, but it has never been normal or healthy... As ridiculous as it sounds, I am talking about my dysfunctional relationship with food.
My emotions and sometimes, lack of emotions, have always been directly connected to my eating habits. I have often envied people being able to eat a whole plate of food without a second thought or guilty feeling. At certain stages during my teenage years it became so bad, that I wasn’t able to really eat until I was full in front of anybody. I would eat very small portions and “top-up” later when I was alone. I always imagined people thinking….REALLY? Should you really be eating that in your condition? That’s what I imagined people said because, honestly, that is what I was thinking to myself.
Around ages 17 to 18 I just wanted to be in control and in my distorted mind, vomiting after meals and excessive exercise seemed the best way to do this, and for the first time in my short life I reached my goal weight. Everybody was so impressed with my fantastic self-control and I was complimented on how wonderful I looked, but really, for me, nothing had changed. I just had “a big girl’s brain in a smaller frame” For the few that know me; you know that I am gifted in keeping my “mask” in place. So for all intents and purposes, I was a wonderfully happy teenage girl who had taken control of her life until a friend of mine caught me “taking control” of matters after meals, and I felt very ashamed. A year or so following that I struggled with many things and made some very bad decisions, and hindsight being the wonderful thing that it is, I see now that I was just replacing one bad habit for other bad habits.
Why am I confessing this? I wish I could tell you that this story has a happier ending, but I can’t, not yet anyway. I am not telling you this story because I have it all figured out and I am skipping off into the sunset…
Although I don’t vomit after meals anymore, I am not skinny in any way and I still can’t eat without feeling guilty… BUT… I have, however, given my heart to God and I am consciously allowing Him to change the way I see myself. I have been diagnosed with PCOS and I am lactose and wheat intolerant (the irony is not lost on me) and although I don’t love all of myself yet, I am able to love parts of myself. And God gave me the most amazing husband that just loves ALL the parts of me, even the ones I don't.
I share this because God wants you to know that there is always hope.
To believe in Jesus, is to live in hope.
*iram is an arabic name meaning heaven