HIATUS in SILENCE

Everybody who is anybody has heard about meditation with varying opinions on the why, how and when anybody should even consider it. And I can tell you, as a believer, Christians, in general, are very wary of the term. But let’s put all we think we know about the topic to one side for a moment and allow me to tell you about something amazing that has positively changed, not only my life but my daily walk as a follower.

About 3 years ago I was fortunate enough to be part of the personnel team for the church that I attend. In many aspects, working at a church is a normal job where you have your duties, goals and various office politics and situations to deal with. The lead pastor in our church is dynamic, to say the least when it comes to constantly evolving his way of thinking and effectively the thinking of those around him which then spirals outward. He had attended a retreat for spiritual leaders and during this time he was introduced to the habit of becoming silent before God, which, of course, being who he is, he brought the experience home with him and implemented it into a weekly ritual as a team.

And no, the concept is not prayer, which I know is your first inclination and it is also how most people perceive meditation. There is some reflection on scripture that gets read, maybe for 3-5 minutes. Prayer is part of it for perhaps another 3-5 minutes of the session. And then you are silent for 15-20 minutes. Just silent. And you have to clear your mind of everything. And just BE. Does it sound easy? Because it wasn’t. IT WAS BRUTAL.

Cleverly, he stated that it was not an obligation, but it would be considered favorable if the whole team attended every week...so really, you had to be there. Now, not talking for 15 minutes is easy for me. For some of our more outgoing team members, it was not. But have you not talked and not thought for 15 minutes? Sit completely still. Clear your mind of everything, the list of stuff you have to do before leaving work, fetching kids, homework, making dinner, the sick dog or a phone call you have to remember to make. Or maybe you’re like me and your brain is constantly on the go, over-analyzing absolutely everything that everyone said, that you said, why did somebody do the thing they did? What does it say about them, what does your reaction say about you...or that paragraph I read in that article has deeper meaning that I wonder if somebody else picked up on or is it just me, is it a message to me somehow...ooooh that burning candle, it’s a light-bringer, that would make an awesome poem...I wonder what rhymes with light-bringer...singer...?

Well, you get the picture. How do you switch that off? These weekly torture sessions went on for some months and then one glorious day, 2 new members joined the congregation. They had extensive knowledge of becoming silent and not only facilitating the journey but also providing gentle guidance to help focus your mind with various techniques. Visualization turned out to be the key for me. But emotionally, I struggled to just BE in His presence. At first, it felt like I had to say something to Him...you know, like those awkward moments you have when you meet new people and you have to make conversation. Then sometimes I would just repent the whole time of everything that I am doing wrong or I would imagine He was making me aware of everything that I am doing wrong...I know...it’s a minefield in my head sometimes.

One day, myself and my husband were driving somewhere. And we spoke a bit at the start of the journey and then, we didn’t. And that was ok. Comfortable. Like it always was. Because we have known each other for a very long time and we didn’t always need to be talking to be near each other or to be connected. So, I had a moment... It occurred to me that maybe the reason why I couldn’t be silent in His presence was because I know He knows me, better than anybody. Better than I know myself. He sees it all. Sees me. And not just the parts I choose to show to the world, but everything. The dark and the light. And it’s a vulnerable place to be. So exposed. And in silence, no less. And I realized, maybe I don’t know Him as well as I think I do?

Look, I am not going to lie to you. It has been a hard journey getting to a point where I can just be with Him. It still is. And even though I am not part of the personnel team anymore, I still try and attend the weekly sessions, which are now open to the whole congregation, or I make time to have similar sessions at home. I find that I need it. It’s necessary for my sanity.

Some days are easier than others, but on the good days, becoming silent is a moment of blissful ‘hiatus’ where in my mind I am sitting on a bench by the ocean and He is there. He sits next to me. Sometimes His arm is around my shoulders, but we never speak. I am just in His presence. And my acknowledgment of His constant presence gives me peace, restores and rejuvenates depleted resources that fortify me with new strength to pursue His purpose in my day-to-day.

So maybe it’s time that you ask...
Where do I find my moment of HIATUS? When can I just BE?

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. – Matthew 11:28

When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer. Psalms 94:19

Nothing in all creation is hidden from God. Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes... – Hebrews 4:13